♥__Skippity's Words__♥


Wilder and wilder you grow inside of me.
I have to escape.
I have to escape from here.

Lyrics from a bootimious song. Anyways. I wanted to write a long journal about recent events and such. Because I don't, when I should. So now that I'm talking again to some oldddd old friends, I put on some music and I'm sitting in some comfortable clothes, I can get down to business. I just need to vent, and write down everything so that I don't feel like I'm gonna break down. I need some way to expell every emotion and not just to him. Because thats just mean and heartless, even after some things that I have done to him. And it made me feel awful. So, no worries this is more for me then anyone. so you dont have to read.

Soon it'll be my two months. And me and Brian rushed a lot before camp. And when I came back, you all know that I was just a disaster. I hadn't seen him and was all uncomfortable again. Well we decided to put some major rules down, after my parents confronted us about it. So we continued on with ourselves. We became closer, laughed and loved. And recently we did some things that were all 'super close things.' And I'm cool with them, really, but I feel kinda concerned that we might be rushing again. And after promising that I wouldn't regret it, I talked to him and it just really hurt me the way he talked about it. He said that I wasn't going to regret it and I tried to explain to him that I was scared but at that point I don't think he was interested in listening..

And I told him that I was just tired and antsy, after a fight with my sister earlier. But I felt bad that I couldn't talk about it with him. Because I tell him everything. In one form or another. Even if he doesn't get it. Y' know?
And I was just, stressed and scared. I was talking with my mom all last night about Brian and stuff and I was just realizing how.. much this must be to him.. and me.

He's 15. A sophomore and here we are, talking about marriage, kids and a future and doing things that just pull us closer in a quick way and physical way but emotionally its really just a strain. Like I promised him, I have no regrets. I just want this thing to last longer then anything. And even though he talks about it right along with me, we just don't look at it in a way of complete perspective. I didn't at least.

I didn't really get on to talk about that. Haha. I didn't even plan to talk about it, but its all thats on my mind lately.

I really just wanted to talk about how strained I am right now.

I'm going to be a junior as you should know. 11th grade and all. Almost 17. Needing a job and soon going to a school to focus on college.
I finally have a boyfriend, that plans to spend forever with me.
We love each other, and I've only met like half his family, and I don't even know them.

This summer just seemed to fly by. And now that school has become a major part of my thought process, its totally scaring me.
I don't feel ready to finish school yet. I still have two years but this pretty much is the last year. Next year is just prep for college but this year, is the last official year pretty much.

And other things occupy my mind. Like when Brian asked his grandma [he lives with his grandparents] what would she do if he had a girlfriend, she said flat out, he had better get rid of her... I mean thats HUUUGE to me, especially because I was looking forward to his family. I just, I really wanted them to accept me, and now I'm terrified to talk to them.

And a lot of things for church is coming up. I have to prepare for a few things before I turn 18, and I'm almost 17, so I feel like I'm being rushed.

And next week is camp. And Brian keeps talking about it, and how just sad he is about it. And I'm like.. Well what about me? Y'know?
I'm the female, I'm going to be surrounded by people that I don't know that well. And I need to be strong for my sister. Cause when I went first year, I straight out bawled. I was so scared, so just depressed. Even when my older sister was there. So I'm just like, Gotta keep a smile... =[

And my friend that I got close with in school wants me to take her to Kings Island with Brian and her Brian. [ Her brian is a JERK! And everyone tells her that.] And she just believes its gonna make everything better. And I'm just like.. Okay. Well...Get the money, I'll take you, and hope to God he acts like a person..

And Now I guess I gotta think about my birthday? What I want.. And I'm like. Pfft. Idk..

And I haven't talked to Zeb in a long time. He use to be the rod that held me up. Someone so strong for being so alone in such a poor situation. So I was inspired and I haven't talked to him. I message him when I can, but nothing back..

Just so much. And I can't be myself anymore. I mean I'm totally changing everything. I haven't drawn much at all!.. And no music that I like anymore. :[
And no me time.. But I took someone's advice and got pampered yesterday. Even after being totally tired. I got my nails cut and all cleaned. And I took a bath and it felt great. Till I went to bed...

Brian started to ask weird questions about my kids. And I was just ready to fall asleep so I was just like.. "mhm..yeah sure...okay right.."
And he was asking those Challenge Questions again.. :/
Like "what would I do if..

Our kids got into drugs.
Our kids had sex and we found out.
What time would we let our kids do things [smoke and what were rules for dating.]

And I was ready to cry by the time I went to bed.. I was just like. "Um. I'm tired, Good night."
Those are sooo depressing questions. Because I was raised in a family where we wouldn't even think about doing that kind of stuff. And now he's thinking, what if we gave them a different atmosphere, and I'm just like.. Why would we do that?..

Its hard to adjust when it comes down to our backgrounds. But he tells me everythings gonna be okay. And I believe him..

Sometimes.. I just feel...So lucky..
I mean it is a lot of work to have a companion.. But its so rewarding..
Like he knows what I want now, and he knows things about me, that just turn my whole day around. And yesterday I asked him what he liked about me. Not physical. And I almost started to cry when I described it back to him..
Because really I couldn't have asked for anything or anyone better..
Omg, I'm crying..

He's just..My man. And I love him..
I defly thank God all the time for him.
If anything. He's something I never want to let go of.
And yesterday when he said, "Don't ever leave me. Stay with me forever."
I knew for sure, that's what I wanted. and Thats something I needed.
I needed to know that he wanted me, not just for now. But For forever.

Nothing less then what I wanted..
Now I'm just wasting time. So I'll say thanks to those who read. :]
It means a lot if you commented too. Love you all. Especially you Brian. <3
Bye.




_{If you wish to be added, just comment. :3}